Things Hockey Fandom Has Taught Me

[paxpinnae]

I'm not dead, I promise! I've just been spending a lot of time in the real world, and also on Tumblr, which requires much less thought than Dreamwidth. However, Tumblr is mostly for my RL friends, albeit a fannish subset thereof. I want to get back into the thinking and writing and squeeing thing in a space where shame is a completely foreign concept because:

I think I might be into hockey fandom now? I mean, I've still never seen a game or anything, but first jamethiel wrote me up a little pimp thingie because I asked her to tell me why hockey fandom was awesome, and then thefourthvine started reccing it, and now it's a week later and I seem to have woken up in a Canadian back alley covered in bruises and jerseys with strong opinions about Jonathan Toews. Help!

It's been an interesting trip, because this is the first time I've read a LOT in a fandom where I knew absolutely nothing. I have cousins who play hockey and a sort of vague hereditary obligation to cheer for the Flyers when prompted, but going into this I didn't even know how many periods were in a game. However! Hockey fandom has stepped in to fill the gap and taught me many things:

1. Sidney Crosby is a hockey-playing robot.
2. Patrick Kane is a horrible human being.
3. Jonathan Toews is a hockey-playing robot and a horrible human being.
4. No one pines like Geno Malkin.
5. Alexander Ovechin is a puckish matchmaking spirit of whimsy.
6. Duncan Keith has no teeth whatsoever, because he gave them all to Brent Seabrook as a declaration of love.
7. Carey Price is a stoner cowboy.
8. PK Subban is a big dumb puppy.
9. Claude Giroux and Daniel Briere are married and have three adorable French-Canadian children. They just haven't realized they're married yet.
10. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews kinda know that they're married, but they keep fighting because the make-up sex is awesome.
11. Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook know that they're married, and spend a lot of time worrying about other people's marriages.
12. Everyone in the NHL is funny-looking except for Patrick Sharp.
13. NHL players are the worst at pranks.
14. Somewhere in the NHL is an entire team composed of players named Staal.
15. No one in the NHL in the entire history of ever can ever talk about their feelings. Ever.

Obviously this is an incomplete list. So, does anyone have any recs/advice on how to watch hockey without, actually, living in a state where hockey is a thing/owning a TV? Youtube has been helping me out, but it's a bit hit-or-miss.

Comments

[petronia]

As a Montrealer, not to mention someone who consults on RDS.ca, the fact that this is a Thing is hilarious to me. XD

Carey Price has GANGLAND CONNECTIONS. Ovechkin and Subban seem legit, though.

[paxpinnae]

Yeah, it's weird, because I feel like my friends list went from "no sports ever" to "hey anyone else into hockey?" to "HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY" really quickly. I am weak-willed! I gave in.

What? But - he does rodeos! And is Canadian! I thought Canadians were too polite to have organized crime?

[petronia]

Ha, sorry, that was totally wrong of me, it was Theodore! Price's career is a retread in some ways but it's not his fault, Montreal just eats goalies for breakfast.

[jamethiel]

Carey Price is the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME. His mother is First Nations! And, um. The fans in Montreal are. Um. I question a lot of their decisions, as a lot of them think that it's acceptable to dress in blackface ostensibly to show their "support" of PK Subban (I saw a lot of comments supporting that and even before I got into hockey, I was all "REALLY? REALLY?!?"). Oh, and they have taunted Carey Price with chants of "Go back to the reservation!" which--he actually grew up on a reservation. APPROPRIATE, DUDES.

Claude Giroux and Danny Briere broke up! Someone out there must be writing fix-it fic! Um, Claude got his own place and moved out and now he and Jaromir Jagr are bffs (Jagr gets stars in his eyes when he talks about Claude which is HILARIOUS) and Danny Briere had a few fights (ALSO HILARIOUS cause he's tiny and flicks flowing hair out of his eyes) with players from other teams and then he got a new rookie to move in. Sean Couturier. Who is adorable, except for the fact that he's clearly a HOMEWRECKER.

True Story: When Stalberg was put on the Kane-Toews line, it took him ages to score because Kaner and Tazer are so weird about each other that they will chirp (taunt/swear at) EACH OTHER during the game rather than the opposing team and it made him nervous.

Duncs and Seabs recently spent the All Star break together on holiday in Mexico. I... don't even know what to do with that. THEY APPEAR TO BE COMPLETELY UNABLE TO BE MORE THAN A FEW MILES FROM EACH OTHER. (non-tin-hattedly, I hope their respective lady friends enjoy each others' company :S)

... Imma post this cause the comment is getting long

[paxpinnae]

YES. Um, do the Habs fans actually want to have an NHL team? Because from my limited exposure to their dynamic, it really doesn't seem like they want an NHL team, or at least, not one with any players on it. Jesus Christ, I haven't read about fans eating their young like that since Supernatural stopped trying to introduce female characters. Also, I'm glad that the Carey Price love seems to be on the ascent, because I was reading through a lot of pimp posts on Day Three of this madness, and Carey Price was the first guy whose photo made me go, "Okay, I can't tell if he's objectively hot or if I've just been stockholmed into thinking so by a bajillion photos of Kaner and Toews being funny-looking, but I would not kick him out of bed." Plus, he seems - not normal, but normal-er-ish maybe - in interviews. Yay non-totally dysfunctional people!

NOOOO. Giroux and Briere! I mean, this is what I get for reading old fic, but. Still. ;_;

In the yay-totally-dysfunctional-people department, the Kaner-Tazer chirping thing makes complete sense to me. C.F. my above point re: make-up sex. With the tin-hat off though, it's still adorable.

Re: Duncs and Seabs Mexican Adventure: I - just - what CAN you do with that? That is totally a get-together plot right there. Damn, NHL, write the fic for us why don't you.

Thanks for the streaming links. I would definitely be down for a watch party! I'll have to check the schedule and see what works.

[jamethiel]

Honest to god, I know Montreal is an original six team and all that, but I think they've been taken over with politics to the extent that they don't actually want a hockey team, they want a bunch of french speaking guys on skates.

Have you heard about POLITICIANS speaking out against the hiring of interim coach Randy Cunneyworth because he's not a francophone? And they organised a protest, which about 250 people turned up to. It's like, JESUS CHRIST, people, there are interpreters. When Evgeni Malkin turned up to play for the Penguins, do you think they said, "No, you can't, you don't speak English?" No. They employed fucking TRANSLATORS.

(It is going to be a LONG time before I forgive them for trading Cammi like they did. IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME. WITHOUT TELLING HIM WHERE HE WAS GOING, JUST SENT BACK TO THE HOTEL ALONE, WITHOUT A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE.

The amusing thing is that in his first game for the Flames he scored a power play goal, whereas the Habs are notorious for having the worst power play unit in the league. SUCK IT, HABS.)

OH! To cement your PK/Carey love, this happened today:
habsinsideout1: #Habs Price joking about Subban's huge 2nd-period save when Price was caught out of position: "His five-hole looked pretty big."

habsinsideout1: #Habs Price on Subban's future as a goalie: "I’ll let him put on the pads and I’ll shoot a couple at his head and see how he likes it."

habsinsideout1: #Habs Price on Subban being in position to make that save: “I tripped on one of our players and (Subban) was the last man standing."

(For the record, the "five-hole" is the space between a goalie's legs. Holes 1-4 are the four corners of the net, starting bottom left going clockwise)

NEVER STOP FLIRTING AND CHIRPING AND BEING AWESOME, CAREY PRICE.

(Did you catch that he got drunk at the All Star Game and got caught on camera replacing a flask in his jacket? HILARIOUS)

OH MAN, You need to watch 24/7. Let me know if you can't find sources!

Oh, and. I kind of... send round a daily email with the best things about hockey daily/my thoughts on Chicago's defense/goalie situation (WE'RE SCREWED)/Updates on Sidney Crosby. Would you care to subscribe? (Totally fine if you don't want to, it's honestly more hockey centred than slash centred.

[paxpinnae]

If there is one thing I've learned, it's that nothing is too absurd when it comes to nationalist politics. The Israeli-Palestinian Peace Club at my high school died after it's first meeting because a fight broke out, this Francophone bullshit is nothing. Plus, from a media relations standpoint, it makes a little bit of sense to have a Francophone head. Not enough to have protests over an interim coach, though, JFC.

I ACTUALLY WATCHED (SOME OF) THAT GAME. I was out with some friends and it was up on the TV randomly. I didn't know he'd chirped PK about the save though! CAREY PRICE, HOW ARE YOU SO AWESOME.

I watched the first episode of the Flyers/Rangers 24/7, and three things:

1. Is Ilya Bryzgalov actually insane, or just fucking with us?
2. Wow Brian Boyle and Brandon Proust are co-dependant.
3. Sean Avery is GLORIOUS. (And yes, from what I've read, also kinda a douchebag, but mostly what I got from this was GLORIOUSNESS.)

And sign me up for the hockey thing! It sounds cool.

[jamethiel]

:D AWESOME! Tell me what email addy to send to? (if you want to email it to me, mine is jamethiel dot bane at gmail dot com)

Like, I think Randy Cunneyworth could have done more to further his own cause by saying something like "I'll take french lessons" or whatever, but I also think the fans in montreal are a giant bag of pus-filled sores, so. Also, I'm pretty much pro any NHL coach whose name is TWO SEX JOKES in one.

1. Bryz is BOTH insane and totally fucking with us. He's a giant, giant troll.
2. Yes they are. (I am... weirdly uninterested in the rangers because when I got into fandom a rangers fan bought misogyny to my journal. Ever since, I've been lol!grudgey :( BUT I WILL GET OVER THAT WITH TIME)
3. IL SEAN AVERY. I mean, he's a misogynist dickbag on occasion, but he's also a giant troll, which I respect. And his opinions on gay people are pretty great.

Do you follow puck_daddy? You totally should--it would mean you wouldn't need 90% of my emails. There's a feed on Dreamwidth!

[jamethiel]

Oh man! Have you stumbled across just_katarin's recs post yet? here

There are two streaming sites she links to-- adhe.tv and http://www.sportshunter.eu/sports/hockey.html and also http://watch-nhl-hockey-live.blogspot.com/ that one will generally have a collation of links. In addition to that, there's http://www.nhltorrents.co.uk/login.php

Let me know if you're ever watching a game live on your Friday/Saturday, because unless there's a hawks game on, I'll probably be up for watching it with you!